


Shatter me

by Epselion



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Broken Dreams, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multiple One-Shots, handicaps, hospital stuff, probably check the notes at the beginning of every chapter for the potential warnings, the ugly sort, will contain depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 04:09:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10325294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Epselion/pseuds/Epselion
Summary: A collection of one-shots for a story I work on, it won't be chronological, it will all be separate stuff and revelations and different POVs, but the main line is about Hux as a figure skater who loses his ability to walk in an accident and the way he deals with it. The start of chapters will have the correct warnings for those particular chapters.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Pretty safe chapter this first one, no real warnings: 
> 
> Mentions of depression  
> Mentions of accidents/hospitalization

"Where are we going?"

Hux looked at Ben, trying to see if he could get a hint out of the other. They were driving in the car after Ben said they needed to get out of the house for once. Hux didn't really feel like it, but Ben didn't leave him any choice, practically dragging him along.

"You'll see when we get there."

Ben grinned slightly, not showing any signs of their destinations.

"Ah, come on. Not even a small hint?" Hux huffed and looked out of the window.

They were driving on one of the bigger roads towards the centre Vancouver. For now nothing was going to tell Hux where they were going, too many options after all.

"You just have to be patient. We're almost there."

It was cold outside that day, that much was clear, they had only walked to the parking garage to get into the car, but even that had come with a cold and merciless wind. Hux had always enjoyed this time of year though, the crisp in the air somehow seemed to bring extra life to his breath and give him more energy. It would sting at his cheeks and it would justify curling up at the heater with a thick sweater and his cat. He really did feel best in the season of winter... His season... From before the accident.

Ben smiled a bit when he saw Hux deflate. It always showed on his face. The scowl would shift in place, a light pout to his lips and brows furrowing, and Hux would curl in on himself a bit. He knew that the other was moody still, unable to go and do as he pleased, but Ben wanted him to realize how far he had come. It was a bloody miracle, that Hux was where he was now, and he hoped his plans would fuel more fighting power into his boyfriend. For now though he took his free hand off the steering wheel and caressed it over Hux's neck, shortly playing with the smaller tufts of hair that gathered at the base of his head.

"You'll like it." He promised. "It will be good for you."

He looked back to the road again and sighed. He hoped so at least... He hoped he hadn't overestimated the strength that Hux had regained in his legs. If he were to fail here, Ben had made a huge mistake indeed. He glanced to the backseat, where he had tucked the duffel with their things... Not telling Hux what was in it. If he had, the other would have never come along. He just hoped that those skates would still fit him...

Ben took a turn left onto another road. They were getting closer to their destination. He looked slightly to the side to see if Hux was already recognizing the road they were taking, but so far nothing seemed to register. Hux was probably expecting to go everywhere except the rink. Ben took another turn and could see the stadium appearing in front of him. He bit his lip, nervous about Hux's reaction when they wouldn't drive past it, but stop on one of the parking spaces. The stadium looked exactly the same from the outside as the last time they had been here, and that was so long ago now... He hadn't dared to take Hux near it after the accident. There had been almost no hope the doctors had said and it would just be to painful.

"What have you done, Ben?"

Ben could see Hux's eyes widening at the realisation.

"Stay calm Hux. This will be a good thing for you."

"This has to be a joke!"

Hux shook his head, hands forming into fists.

"Why did you bring me here? I can't be here."

"No, you can. You need to face this at one point, Hux."

Ben eased the car towards the parking areas and looked at Hux. He could see the anger, but underneath that he could see the fear. Maybe this was too early after all, but there was no going back anymore. He could tell that Hux wondered if his legs could hold him up for such a thing, but the fear would only cripple him more, the longer he waited it would only get worse and worse. Hux just needed to get back on his skates again. Ben knew Hux still loved the sport, that he was in pain, because he missed it. Maybe Hux would hate him for now, but he knew he would be thankful later on.

"Turn the car around." Hux said sharply.

"Come on, Mittens."

"Don't you fucking 'Mittens' me Solo..." Hux snapped. "Turn around, now."

Ben huffed and parked the car close to the rink with more speed than responsible, turning in his seat.

"No. You are going in there."

"I am not-"

"If you ever want to skate again you need to do so one day! Huh?!! Will you just give up on this?! Your dream, your progress?! For what?"

Hux's eyes widened before he looked away, his eyes shining a bit.

"And what if it turns out that I can't? What if after all this bloody time and pain and therapy, I can't even skate?"

Ben sighed and shook his head.

"Come on. I was already there when you were 16... I saw you go from promising youth to the unbeatable champion of Canada... You are going to skate again- Because you want to, and nothing ever failed if you wanted it to succeed. Because you would get up and do it again."

Hux nodded, a single tear running down his face. Ben smiled a bit and wiped it away with his thumb, placing a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth.

"Come on. We'll take it slow, I will be there every step of the way. I promise."

Hux nodded again, not speaking as he slipped his seat-belt off and pushed the car-door open, swinging his legs out and standing up. He still hated how much effort it took to stand up from things, straining in his knees and thighs... Like he was 60 years old or something. Ben grabbed the bag with their stuff and pulled Hux towards the entrance slowly. He still felt so grateful when he saw Hux walking, although it wasn't as he used to walk before the accident, he was still doing it. At the entrance Ben nodded and smiled to the woman behind the ticket window. She still recognized them and nodded back. Even after the accident the stadium had never pulled back Hux privilege to train at any hour of the day he wanted. They figured Hux could use it to visit friends or to just hang around the place he loved so much. At the moment it was more than convenient, making sure Hux and Ben could walk right by the entrance booth. They walked through the hallway and towards the doors that would lead them to the ice. At this time of day the younger kids had their lessons. Ben opened the doors and saw he had been right. A group of at least twenty small kids were skating on the ice, laughing and playing. 

"Oh my, Is that really him?"

A group of women approached them.

"You're Hux right?"

The woman in question, probably mother of one of the children, looked at them with curious and almost sad eyes.

"I'm so sorry for what happened to you. And just when you were going to win one of the big ones again."

Hux nodded, swallowing a bit as he tried to smile and look amiable.

"Do you think you'll ever get back up top?" The woman asked. "I mean, it's quite the injury, chances are you would never even-"

"Please." Hux said, voice pinched. "I haven't been here in months."

The woman frowned but then nodded as the other mothers started to nudge her a bit and give her looks, finally making her realize that she had been quite insensitive. They walked away, Ben grabbing Hux by the shoulder and walking him to one of the benches. His walk was really improving by the week now. There were almost no stutters in the motion anymore, Hux was able to support himself and truly cycle his steps properly, but he didn't walk very fast yet, his steps slow and deliberate. His balance tended to be the biggest issue, as he was still re-learning how to shift his weight. When Hux sat, Ben knelt in front of him and ran his hands over Hux's legs, as was his ritual. He always rubbed warmth into his muscles when they were sitting idle, as it helped with blood-flow.

"You good?" He asked.

Hux nodded, but it was a bit jerked, his eyes going along the hall, to the shouting kids and their mothers, to the hockey-players that were idly ticking a puck around... To the glass wall of the upstairs-cafeteria that looked out over the rink, full of people- People... Watching, pointing and nudging each other. They were going to be looking- They were going to see him sputter and struggle, fall on his ass and knees in an attempt to even stay upright. He abruptly stood and strode away, pace impressively fast now that he really wanted to go. Ben stood up too and jogged after him, catching up before Hux was at the double doors that would take him outside again.

"Whoa, hey... HEY. What the hell is this?"

Hux just shook his head, trying to push past him.

"Armitage!"

"NO! You don't understand." Hux hissed. "You don't see the way they stare... The way they ogle me and talk and gossip. I don't want to be some sad mom's dinner table talk to her husband, or a little girl's reason to giggle because that man really cannot skate, or the point of amusement for those fat fucks who are having coffee and donuts upstairs."

Ben sighed and stepped closer so he could shield Hux from prying eyes when he started to cry.

"Okay, okay... I get it... We won't get on the ice... Just a coffee, and maybe a maple-donut. And we'll come back later, when it's quiet. Okay?"

Hux didn't respond, only wiped at his eyes.

"Okay?" Ben asked.

"Fine."

"Wait here. I'll get our bag and then we’ll go to the cafeteria."

Ben said, before walking back to the spot where they had sat down. In less than a minute he was back at Hux's side with their bag on his shoulder. He looked at Hux to make sure he would be okay to go upstairs. He still looked like he was about to have another panic attack. chewing on his lip and eyes darting around the hall like he was just waiting to be laughed at. Maybe Ben should have thought about this a bit more. It wasn't his best idea to do this with so many eyes looking down on them. Hux used to be this strong man, who didn't care about what other people thought about him, but that was before the accident, that was when he was still the best of the best. Ben understood he didn't want to show the world this side of him, it would make him look like a lost cause maybe- The lost cause his dad had always loved to make him out to be.

Ben softly grabbed Hux's wrist and pulled him along to one of the elevators. The cafeteria was in one of the higher parts of the stadium, so you could look at the skaters when you were eating. Once they were there, Hux had calmed down a bit, looking at the floor mostly as he shuffled after Ben without uttering a word. Ben walked them to a spot in one of the far corners of the cafeteria. A spot that would protect them from all the prying eyes, at least a little. He pushed Hux down on one of the seats and went to get them something to drink.

As Ben walked away Hux sat back in his seat, waiting in silence. He couldn't quite believe that he was even here again. He would dream about it, pressed in Ben's arms at night he would dream about walking through those doors, the rink deserted, and he would step on the ice. It would carry his feet and he would be able to dance. Free and unrestrained, no longer broken. He doubted that it would really be like those dreams... He feared he wouldn't be able to do anything at all, that he would just fall over and stumble...

"You're back."

He looked up and smiled lightly at Mitaka. The boy was on his squad too, the junior league back then, although he was now making some steps in the adult-programme too.

"Alice said we would probably never see you walk again."

Mitaka pulled up a chair and sat down.

"It's- It's not the same though... Not like before." Hux murmured.

"Yet." Mitaka added. "It's only been six months. Six months after breaking your spine. And you walk!"

He grinned.

"You will skate again, Hux. I know you will."

Hux hummed, smiling lightly as he looked down at the table.

"You sure you want me back as competition?"

Mitaka snorted.

"Please, you never were competition, you were my example. I would love nothing better than to skate in a same tournament as you. I don't care that it might lose me a medal."

Hux swallowed a bit and sighed.

"It- It would be a while though... I don't even know if I can skate."

Mitaka shook his head.

"You can. And you will. I would literally bet my savings on that. And so should you."

"It's easy to say those words, when you're not in my shoes."

Hux shook his head. He knew what all the doctors were saying to him. That it was a miracle, that no one had ever made this much progress when they had been told there was nothing they could do anymore.

"Ah, come on Hux. I know you." Mitaka pushed his shoulder. "You're not someone who is giving up this easily. I know it and I see it. How else did you go from only moving your head, to walking again."

"I could move more than my head." Hux huffed.

"You know what I mean."

"I know, but I still feel uncertain about a lot of things. What if it is the best I can ever do?"

"As is your right... You get to say that, but isn't it nice to know you aren't the only one that sees a good future?"

"Not really... It's like added pressure. Not just try to not disappoint myself, but also all the other people that do believe in a good outcome. Because- What if I don't do it? What if I do fail? After all the trust and effort from others."

"But you've already succeeded. Don't you get that? You got back on your feet- Against all odds. Whatever else you achieve is only bonus."

Hux pulled the sleeves of his sweater over his hands. He had worn this thing to so many trainings. Simple, black, a turtle-neck sweater that fitted close to his shape, a staple for anyone that did his sport... He still loved it, even if he wore it for casual dress rather than sport nowadays.

"I have to get going. My college lectures start in an hour." Mitaka said. "But it was good to see you again."

Hux smiled at him and nodded.

"You too, Taka."

The other walked off with a short wave, turning to the staircase and disappearing from sight. Ben returned from the counter not much later.

"Sorry, the old lady couldn't make decisions." He huffed as he set down a lidded cup.

He handed Hux a mug with hot chocolate and a small paper plate with a maple-glazed donut.

"You okay now? Calm and better?"

Hux nodded and raked a hand through his hair.

"Yeah... But I still want to kick you in the nuts for not telling me. Then I could've-"

"Said no? Yes, that's exactly why I did not tell you, baby."

"I'm never getting into a car with you again when you want to surprise me." Hux huffed.

"Ah, come on. You won't regret this, I promise."

Ben grinned and grabbed Hux's hand, letting his thumb follow the lines on top of them. They sat like that for a little longer, talking about nothing in particular. After what seemed like hours, the cafeteria was finally starting to grow more quiet. People were going home to get their dinners, which meant that it would give Ben and Hux their time to get on the ice. When the last person had left, Ben pinched Hux's hand.

"Let's go downstairs. Are you ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

Hux bit his lip, but still got up from his chair. He felt nerves he had never felt before. He wasn't ready for this, but he knew that if he didn't do it now he wouldn't be able to do it ever again. They took the elevator down again and Ben led him once again to one of the benches near the ice.

"Don't worry, I'll be right next to you every step of the way."

He helped Hux into his skates, lacing them up tight and making sure they were still a good fit. Then he put on his own old ice-hockey skates. Hux stared down at his own feet, at the jet-black boots of his skates and the silver blades, at the way the edges of his skinny jeans fell over them... So familiar and yet it had been so long. Ben got up, striding to the rink and opening the part of the boarding that would allow them access. When he had he returned to Hux's side, slowly putting two hands under his elbows.

"Come on, stand up." He chuckled when Hux didn't move.

The other licked his lips and slowly shifted his weight, trying to get up. It took some strength from Ben to help him stand, as he had the biggest trouble to find his footing on the thinner blades. When he stood, he wobbled, ankles wildly trying to adjust for the narrow balance and his knees working to keep him upright. He clung to Ben's arms and flared his nostrils in effort to maintain his balance.

"You want to get on the ice?" Ben asked.

"No. No... I can't stand yet."

Ben nodded and slowly helped him adjust his posture, letting him go a bit when Hux was finding his footing.

"Alright... I'll hold you, and we'll take small steps towards the ice. Small steps."

Hux nodded and bit the inside of his cheek. He had to fucking do this. It was just a small walk. He would need to be okay. They set their first step, and immediately his foot dropped to the side, wobbling too far to the right. Ben was fast, shifting his grip to hold Hux up before he could actually even fall, but the other still cursed and huffed.

"It's not working."

"That's what you said when you took your first steps, now come on, we can take all night."

Hux gritted his teeth and got a tighter hold on Bens arms. He took another wobbly step, this time he stayed upright because of the hold on Bens arm. It was sad really, walking on his skates like this when he knew how he used to be. He had been so used to just throwing on his skates, making a run for the ice and gliding on it for hours even though his trainer didn't like him spending that much time on the ice. It would only overexert his muscles. He took another step towards the ice. Slowly he was starting to get more feeling for standing on his skates again, although it wasn't nearly as close to how it should be, his ankles were definitely starting to wobble less. When they reached the ice, Ben stepped on it first before grabbing Hux tightly and letting him set a foot on the ice. His feet weren't ready for this kind of smooth surface yet. His feet slid forwards while his weight stayed in the same place, making him tilt back. Ben wrapped an arm around his shoulder helping him back up again and stayed next to him.

"Easy there. Let's get used to this a bit first."

Ben held him at the waist with one arm and at the shoulder with the other. With the ice under his feet Hux seemed even more lost, brow furrowed in frustration as he tried to steady his legs in any way he could. They kept slipping out from under him, making his movements jumbled and rushed, almost falling over every time he even moved a little bit. Ben was patient though; keeping him from falling with his own grip, skating a little to make them glide. Hux kept his hands on Ben's wrists, gripping a bit each time he felt himself wobble. They were going terribly slow, and yet Hux felt like he couldn't keep up. His feet wouldn't support him, flailing to the side and threatening to fall with every single shift of weight.

"Breathe easily." Ben said. "There is no use in getting panicked. This is your first time on the ice in such a long time, it's okay if you can't do it now. We'll come back more often and practise. Just take it easy for now, huh? Take in where you are, look at what you are doing... You're back..."

Hux smiled lightly. Even though he kind of sucked at this at the moment, he still felt his heart flutter by the feeling of the ice under his skates. Everything he had felt, every sensation, it all came rushing back to him. Right now he felt so much stronger than a few hours before. 

"Thank you."

Hux grinned at Ben, when they sat down on the bench again. He felt shaky over his body from the skating.

"You don't have to thank me."

Ben smiled, helping Hux out of his skates. He could see an instant change in him. He had been right, skating had been that one thing that had been able to make Hux smile just like before the accident. Hux groaned and wriggled his toes a bit when Ben handed him his socks back. He did feel some cramp coming on. It was not uncommon... When he exerted himself, when he pushed his limits, it often happened that he had spasms and pains afterwards. Ben smiled and put his hand on Hux's shoulder. He leaned over him to kiss at the corner of his mouth and then carded a hand through his hair.

"I'm very proud of you." He said. "You'll get better with time."

Hux nodded and laced up his regular shoes again, suddenly feeling a little odd in them. Ben took the duffel with their skates and handed Hux his coat.

"When we get home I will give your legs a good rub down and we'll take a proper bath to uncoil the muscles before going to bed, okay?"

"What about dinner?"

"I thought we could order pizza?"

"Order yes, pizza no."

"No pizza? You break my heart Mittens."

Hux grinned and sauntered closer.

"You eat too much of it. Besides, I want something more- Balanced for a meal."

"Already going back to your only healthy food diet? Big plans?"

Ben pulled up an eyebrow and grinned.

"No."

Hux let out a laugh.

"I just feel like eating something else than a baked bread with some stuff on it."

"Why do you always call my heavenly food that way. It's so sad. Pizza is a delight that deserves only praise."

"Very sad, but it won't change my mind."

"So, what do you want? Italian? Chinese? British?"

Hux shrugged a bit and sat down when Ben held the door open for him. As he settled he considered his options. There was a literal world of food that they could order from.

"Chinese sounds nice if I'm honest... Or ramen from that one really good Japanese place."

Ben groaned, nodding his head.

"Ramen it is... That stuff is to die for."

Hux smirked at Ben's dramatic antics and propped his knees up on the seat. He took out his phone and placed an order with their usual choices as Ben drove them home. They lived outside Vancouver now, a few miles out of the busiest centre. Hux had left his apartment close to the rink when it had become apparent he could not move around there enough, and it had been time anyway that he and Ben would get their own place. Now they had space and quiet, undisturbed and only each other for company... And Hux's cat. God forbid that someone would forget the importance of Millicent. That cat was everything and more to Hux. There was never a day that Ben regretted bringing the furball home with him to pry Hux out of his depression a bit.

Although it was a longer drive from the apartment to the stadium, Ben was happy to drive Hux around. Besides Hux old apartment not being practical anymore, it was close to the spot of the accident, making the memories trigger too easily, it only added to the immense depression Hux had been drowning in. A new house would give him a fresh start, a chance to look away from seeing the images that plagued Hux daily. Ben parked the car in the garage below the apartment-building. He grabbed their stuff and they both walked towards the elevator. They had been lucky finding this apartment. It was exactly the right seize, with a nice view at the city of Vancouver.

Just a couple of minutes after they had come home their dinner arrived. Nice in time, because they both were starting to get hungry. Ben paid the boy who brought them their food and walked towards the table near the television. It would be like that every time they ordered food, taking all the small packages out of the plastic bag and turning on the television. Hux set the packets in a row on their coffee-table, inhaling the scent from the bags. The ramen bowls were well-sealed and looked extremely appetizing, and the dessert looked just as good. Hux groaned a little and helped himself to a set of chopsticks.

"What do you want to watch?" Ben asked.

"Mh, don't care... Something for filler-noise." Hux murmured.

Ben nodded and put on some live-feed of the ice-hockey match that was being played that night.

Hux huffed and kicked off his shoes settling on the couch as he rubbed his hands over his legs.

"Fuck, can I have the blanket? I'm getting cramps."

Ben nodded and immediately reached for the blanket. The warmth of it often made the cramps less painful.

"You okay?" Ben asked just to make sure the cramps weren't getting any worse.

Most of the time they were mild and would fade away, but sometimes they could get really bad and Ben needed to move Hux's legs in certain ways.

"Yeah, it's fine. These ones aren't going to be bad."

Hux smiled lightly and leaned back. He let his legs lay under the blanket and put his tray with food on his stomach. The smell of the food was amazing. Hux felt the water starting to run in his mouth. Ben handed him the chopsticks so they could actually start eating.

They sat together, pressed shoulder to shoulder. The match droned on in the background, but they only paid it half the attention it might have deserved. The food was good as Always, and Ben might have admitted that it was indeed the better choice than pizza, if only Hux wouldn't be insufferable about that. So they ate in silence, Hux stealing bits of meat from Ben's bowl whenever he saw a chance, laughing a bit as the other would groan in annoyance and shield his food away. After dinner Ben kneaded the kinks and coils out of Hux's legs and back before they had a bath together. The water was the good sort of hot and Ben leaned his head back against the wall, Hux twisted to lean on his chest, hands tracing over his sides.

"I'm sorry if I was nasty." Hux murmured, kissing the skin of Ben's collarbones.

"Don't worry about it." Ben simply said, his fingers running through Hux's hair.

"I can be a bitch can't I?"

Ben snorted loudly.

"Yeah well, the glittery costumes already screamed diva when I met you."

Hux slapped his chest.

"You like my costumes, you idiot."

"I didn't say anything about that. Your costumes are beautiful."

Ben grinned, putting his hands up. Hux looked at him as if he wasn't going to believe a word he was going to say.

"I'm never going to apologise ever again."

Hux huffed, looking away. But he stayed in his place, not wanting to move from Bens chest. They were always like that, fighting, apologising and joking around. It felt natural from the very beginning.

"How are your legs?"

Ben asked, wanting to make sure the cramps were gone. Sometimes they stayed longer, but became worse during the night making Hux almost unable to walk the next morning. The first time that happened had been quite the scare. Hux had felt like he was going back to where he had come from again. Ben had done some research after that and found some things they could do to prevent the cramps from getting that worse.

"They're good." Hux smiled lightly. "It's almost gone."

Ben smirked.

"So you don't need a massage from me before we go to bed?"

Hux snickered and inched closer until their noses touched a bit. He shook his head then and kissed Ben's lips.

"It Always helps to take safety-measures of course." He murmured. "You know... Just in case."

Ben hummed and tilted his head a bit, pressing kisses back to Hux's mouth.

"Mh... What a sacrifice that must be, to endure such a treatment."

Hux simply nodded and looped his arm around Ben's neck, playing with the hairs that stuck to his shoulders and rubbing his thumb over the thicker muscles of his throat.

"I love you." He said then, staring at Ben's mouth.

"I love you too." Ben simply replied.

"I know."

Hux's eyes flicked up to Ben's then, accompanied by a rueful smile.

"Why else would you have stayed with me for this long?"

Ben shook his head.

"Because I want to, because I believed in you."

Hux nodded and hoisted himself closer, staring at Ben intensely now, breath brushing over Ben's face.

"It's because you're mine, and I am yours... And that means we can do anything we set our minds to."


End file.
